Friday, August 28, 2009

Realizations

If you follow my blog at all, you'll notice I haven't updated very much...I attribute that to the fact that I am not just busy, but so much so that's it's unhealthy, and that needs to change.

A lot has been going on in my life, and Jim's (i.e. OURS); lots of emotional ups and downs, financial ups and downs...just one big rollercoaster. And if you know me at all, I'm not one for emotional craziness, so it's been all the more taxing for that reason alone. 

My job has become my life, and I hate...no ABHORE that fact. Because the company has been so unstable, it's required a lot of crazy scheduling and hours to make it float. However, I've let it require that of me. We were talking last night in small group about things we struggle with (per James 4)...the desires that can so easily take over. One of my major ones is control. If I don't think something will get done the right way, I'd rather do it myself to ensure that it is done properly, and in doing so, waste my life away doing it.

With all the drama and instability that has been going on, it was very difficult for me to feel comfortable giving anything over to anyone else to do. Part of it is because I am overloaded with work, but part of it is my own doing.

I'm in a weird phase of life where I really want a career, but I also kind of just want to work P/T and be able to really take care of our house and just enjoy life! Jim made a good point-I should probably get my career stuff going now, because if I don't, knowing me, I'll probably wonder "what if" at some point later. Not that I wouldn't be content, but that's something I definitely struggle with.

I'm kind of just righting my stream of consciousness, so this may just be blabber, but it's good to write it out. The company is closing and the new one starting on Tuesday. I'm excited for it, but also hesitant...I want it to do really well; what I don't know is where my role is in that. Until I figure it out, I will continue doing my job, doing my best-but doing it moderately! For someone who is such a proponent of moderation, I've been doing a pretty sucky job at it when it comes to work vs. home life. It will be interesting as well, as Jim is not continuing with the company and is again looking for work. It's a bit of a struggle sometimes to feel that I have to work to support us; I'm not bitter about that fact, just struggle with the weight of it sometimes I guess, especially when I feel I'm the only girl among my friends who is in that position.

All of this to say-who knows where this is leading. God has it all worked out already, I just have to follow His leading and trust His sovereignty, which is extremely comforting. That's why I haven't freaked out about it all I think-I know we'll be provided for no matter what. For the time being, I'll be doing the very best job I can...but within a schedule and hours that allow me to prioritize my family and my life far above anything at the office.